Hypomania hangover

The morning after hypomania is different. All the colors have faded, music has stopped playing in my head and I feel stupid and empty. Maybe little guilty too. I’ve been riding a thrill ride called hypomania so many laps I eventually fell off. 

My depression usually turns into manic episode overnight. The last two times I’ve been hospitalized due to depression when I’ve just suddenly crawled out of depression and woke up manic. Just like that. With very little warning signs. Those times I’ve been obviously treated for my manic episode but I haven’t been symptom free when discharged from the psych ward.

This time my manic episode was very mild. Outsiders wouldn’t have noticed any difference. The first symptoms I usually experience are irritation, racing thoughts and trouble sleeping. I didn’t have any trouble sleeping or racing thoughts which was weird. Irritation, spending money, feeling super and having great amount of positive energy were my symptoms. I guess manic episode is a little different each time. I actually thought I was free from my manic episode before I left the hospital but my current mood has made me think the opposite.

I have been feeling great since I left the hospital. I’ve been cleaning up the house and taken care of all household chores with great pleasure. I’ve gotten into healthy eating and started exercising five to six times a week. I have been spending money too but I kinda thought I was over the most shopping because I didn’t have any pending orders anymore. I ordered lot of makeups, cosmetics, makeup brushes and fake lashes. I bought some clothes every now and then and more makeups and I thought I was controlling my shopping. I thought all that energy and feeling great and healthy was a normal state until my mood dropped.

Manic episode is usually followed by depression. I can’t speak for other people but that seems to be the case here. What goes up, comes down for sure. After weeks of not sleeping, eating or stopping for a moment, will come a day brain and body just can’t go on anymore. I call it hypomania hangover. Suddenly I am standing in the middle of a slightly chaotic house and wondering what the f**k just happened? I have been cleaning up the house for few weeks. I have cleaned up everyday and everything. And then I have started all over again. And when I haven’t been cleaning I was doing something else that I got obsessed with.

Sometimes I’ve been drunk and taking my meds irregularly. My brain tells me to stop taking them. More fun promised. I’ve been so excited I couldn’t handle it. I’ve been so unfocused driving a car is major hazard. I’ve been to that point when I’m no more capable of doing nothing but race back and forth and wanting to cut off my own head in order to silence it. Thank God my manic episode was mild this time. But here I stand now. House full of unfinished projects. Who will finish all these projects? Who will clean up this mess?  Where did all that energy and enthusiasm go? How can it just stop existing? 

I am tired and weak. Foggy. Suddenly I don’t want to get out of bed. Suddenly I am not interested in anything anymore. I don’t want to exercise. I don’t want to go outside. I am disapointed and little angry. Unfinished business everywhere. I am overwhelmed. I am drowning. Crushed under manic wave.

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