Oh well… This happens when you start writing a blog in a manic state of mind. Bet I had some grandiose ideas about this blog. Sadly I got going on only until I crashed again. Unfinished projects everywhere. Unfinished blogs everywhere.
Today I suddenly remembered. Did I start a blog about an year ago? I had totally forgotten. I read all my posts. Totally written in manic state. I can’t write so well. Like some other person would have written all those posts. I am glad though I remembered Flawless Mind. I’ve been having an urge to write lately but didn’t have a forum where to share my thoughts. I’ve become very shy on social media. I thought maybe give this blog another try. I am almost certain I will drop this sooner or later (probably sooner) but till then this could be a safe place to write when ever I’ ve got this urge to write. So are you on board with me?
2019 was crazy for me. I am somewhat stable for now but I’m still gathering pieces of me. I was in a psych ward five times last year. I believe that’s a lot. A few ODs, some self-harm, hopelessness, psychotic depression. That’s too much for one person. I also got two hypomanias but not as bad as depression.
I am broken. Who’s gonna fix me?
Days are long. While my family is at work and school I sit in my corner of a couch only my thoughts with me. I try to stay positive but it’s hard. It’s so hard. Every day is another battle. Even though I do okay now my illness will always be there. Always part of me. Always part of each and every day. Sometimes I read, sometimes I drink coffee. I keep the house clean but still, days are too long. It’s dangerous when you have too much time to think.
Being okay is weird. I haven’t used to this. I am always high or low but never okay. I am more scared of this ‘okay’ will last than another depression. Depression feels normal. Depression feels safe because I know how it goes but I don’t know what happens after okay. Now I am waiting for what happens. And I am scared.